My two wheeled confessional

I cried on my bicycle riding home on Sunday. My love, my heart, my comforting rhythm of zen and balance; my dojo of a steel framed womb listened to me sans judgment.

This is my bicycle. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My bike is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my bike is useless. Without my bike, I am useless. I must ride my bicycle true and keep it tuned. I must ride faster and more focused to strengthen my agility and endurance. I will. Before God, I swear this creed: my bicycle and myself are defenders of liberty, we are the masters of our destiny, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is peace. Amen.

It was a good expulsion, an involuntary reaction when just thinking through things wasn't enough. I don't crave much, but I wouldn't be sane without my bikes.

It may have been the music I was listening to,
the beers I had consumed earlier that day,
the informal semi-rekindling of a once hearty friendship, or
a combination of many things, but

Every now and then, I have the urge to purge.
It comes suddenly and sharply.
One time I was in the mall...that was awkward.
My emotions have been running high lately,
Due, in part, to the incredibly vast unknown future I am about to embark upon.
I feel alone, scared, excited, overwhelmed, joyful,
and as a last resort with no one specific to vent to,
it all has to go somewhere.
This drain leads to the ocean...
It wasn't laughter, it wasn't flatulence, it wasn't hunger or thirst (at least not food related), as those too are the reaction of a build up.
It was the pinnacle of a full bodied answer to extinguish mental, physical, and spiritual fatigue as a last resort, Hail Mary, reset to default, jump start.

I'm not afraid to admit that I weep.
More often than not it's out of joy, but this was no such time.
I cried for the Earth and its suffering.
I cried for my family and my friends and
Cried for oppression in the name of material gain, and

...I cried for myself. Sometimes I forget to acknowledge this, but it was abundantly clear it needed to happen this time. As I pedaled my steed homeward, I half sobbed, half screamed inquisitions as though no one existed. I questioned my motives, brought forth fear and doubt, and wasn't really looking for an answer, mucous and saliva stretching from teeth to tongue as I unleashed myself into the confessional night.

It felt good. However,

There is a part of me that longs deeply for a uniquely special connection, and I'm often afraid this will never happen. Doomed to watch others in happiness as an observer, as I continue to travel on my path to sustainability. What good will this be if I cannot share love I feel so vividly within me? Perhaps the organics of my journey will reveal a similarly organic love...

Judge me not, I'm only human. Thank God for bicycles.

Concepting on The Shire

a little more on AtomFarm.com ...
and a little concepting on "The Shire" to be built in Mississippi on Paul's property. He's hiring some bulldozers to scoop out areas to get things started. The sketches may look like chicken scratch, but the gist of it would be one main kitchen welcome room where there would be a stone hearth about waist high. when occupied, there would be a constant fire and would direct the passage of heat out of the interior up through a vent. would also be used for hot water, baking, food, and warmth. this is the heart, the hearth, of the home. coves would branch out to individual living quarters or other rooms like an entertainment/media room or bathroom.

Just ideas on paper now.

AtomFarm in the worx

I've finally figured it out, striking me like a bolt of lightning. Branding myself and creating an aesthetic has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And how would I even represent Atom Farm from both sides?

It's 3:48am and I'm producing like crazy. I've been so fueled the last few weeks, its uncanny. New freelance clients rolling in with bigger and better jobs making it almost necessary to hire some extra design help. So the pressure gets to me in creative, rewarding ways.

Branding Atom Farm beyond the design studio has been a real challenge. How do I integrate the complexities of my respect for nature and showcase that aspect of the The Farm while it's intermingling with a corporate design portfolio. And that's when it hit me. The very nature of an atom is the sub particulate composition of all matter, which usually evokes the idea of the height of science. And conversely a farm is representative of all that is organic and sewn, grown and cultivated from the earth.

This is precisely what Atom Farm is. A blend of the harnessing power of technology and science intermingling with respect for our Earth and a tuned consciousness.

I think this is working out so far. Oh, I should mention this is an idea for the website. It will have animated parts, and fold out graphics to reveal portfolio, about us, contact, etc.

But also, if you click Atom, it will take you to the designy projecty things. If you click Farm, it will take you to the sustainability endeavors and research. A blend of the two. Like myself, I suppose.

AtomFarm

Solar emPowerment

I've been putting too much energy into the possibility of a relationship. I often feel destined to never have such a thing anyway, so perhaps that is the way it will be. I should just accept it and live my life the way I want to live it. Why am I here?

Instead, I must put my energy towards something to be passionate for. Design is great, riding bikes is great, family, friends are great, but I feel like I am destined for something greater than what I am doing now. What that is, I don't know. {yes you do} And I feel like it's travel and farming, but in all reality, it scares the shit out of me to realize what kind of a huge decision that is to quit an awesome job with a great future, have minimal or no possesions, and go farming (which will result in no paycheck) around the world. It will come to a point where I will actually have to make a solid decision to pull the proverbial trigger.

Why am I so vexed in societal norms? Why do I seek more than mere contentment?

{Retrospect: 1/6/10} It doesn't matter why. Just seek. Why ask that a tree grows? Feel the tree growing. It is bigger than you can imagine.

developments and progress

Things have been shifting into an interesting position as of late. The path of farming seems to be forming directly before me. My folks might be moving to New Orleans to work on the film Green Lantern, and they offered me their house, rent free, in Van Nuys. This will be a huge leap in the right direction to save up money, pay off bills, and begin WWOOF. While the $$ will be saved, it will put my living situation on hiatus for roughly 8 months. and I think i can stand to live with that for an extra $6000 (Nov-July x $750) in my pocket. I'll have to actually save it, instead of buying new bikes, eating out all the time, drinks, and generally throwing it down the drain. This will also give me the opportunity to find a great studio or, preferably, a garage conversion or back-house for the following year before eventually, taking off to go farming. I like my own space, and have really been enjoying my personal space living in Koreatown. While I thoroughly like my apartment and its proximity to everything, the noisy Wilshire & Vermont I have not been enjoying.

I concept on Atom Farm frequently in my own time whether riding my bike, laying in bed, at work while designing, etc. Additionally, I love talking about the possibilities of what it could be with friends who have similar ideas of a sustainable lifestyle. How amazing it will be. Like a hippy commune, but fused with technology, showers, and most importantly, and real future. Sometimes it dawns on me that this is no small undertaking, and that I have so much to learn and prepare to make this dream a reality. But Rome wasn't built in a day, so I figure I have some time to get it all gelled together. Slowly, but surely.

I need a new hobby, or some new inspiration for design and bikes. Recently returning from travel makes me restless and want to travel more. But I must be patient. Rock climbing seems like a possibility, but it's expensive indoors. I want to start painting with this new technique I'm working on. Since my creativity is stronger in design and digital image manipulation, I want to design a scene, print it in sections, and paint over that on canvas. Sort of a mixed media, I guess. I used to frequent the art scene in Culver City quite a bit, but for some reason stopped going (a girl no doubt). Very much like to get back into that.

Sometimes I feel like there are so many events and parties out there all happening at once, its hard to choose, or to choose to go out at all. I find myself busy almost every night of the week, and while I love hanging out with friends, riding bikes, and socializing, there is a part of me that really desires to just stay in and read, design, paint, and just enjoy myself in my apartment. I would like to be home more often. Routine and I never got along though.

I have actually been focusing alot more at work. Putting in the time and effort and seeing some decent results. Not even remotely close to the skill level I would like to be at, but growing in that general direction nonetheless. I have the feeling I'm that weird, fun guy who rides a bike to work. I get the impression there is an aura of mystery surrounding me and what I do on the weekends given that people are so inquisitive about my bike and lifestyle - even bosses have a tendency to be a little more open to me and talkative in a respectably similar fashion as they would someone on their... level; for lack of a better word. For what it's worth, I love my job. We have happy hour on the 12th floor every Wednesday, and catered lunch everyday, which i might add is phenomenal, considering it only costs $5 for the quality of food that is prepared. I eat better at work than I do at home.

In a more personal vein, my adventures with the opposite gender seem to be at a seasonal river's flow. That is to say there is nothing significant in my life right now. Things are casual, long distance, or sporadic, and while that's fine for now, and because I quite frankly don't have the time, I long for something a little more sentimentally steady.

atom really just wants a girl bear to share special things with.

meh

Kinda havin a tough day today. Its necessary though. I need contrast to balance out my high energy and positivity of usual.

Was I bestowed with more female energy than most males, because I have a compelling urge to cry right now and I have no idea why. Sometimes I feel like I am so disconnected from everyone. It is within my nature to question, but why do I question myself?

Ill just put in my headphones, zone out and get through the day.

I find relief in thinking of Black Rock City. The Man burns in 65 days.